Jerk-Ass For Hire

In one of my ponderings over my own financial crisis, I came to a rather cold conclusion…I’ve hit rock bottom and will do society’s dirty work for the right price.* What I mean by society’s dirty work is stuff like, telling kids the truth about santa, the easter bunny, the tooth fairy, and why grandma hasn’t called lately. Telling old people they have to live in a home, or forcing them to live in a home. Insurance fraud partner. Muscle for hire. Tricking people out of their life savings. There is a lot of stuff that people want done, but they have no one to turn to. That’s where I come into the picture. Here is a list of things I can do for the right price. Prices start at $150.00 and go up based on the probability of me serving jail time.

$150.00- For this amount I can do a variety of things, trip a handicap person, fight a bum, call in a bomb threat, and most property damage.

$200.00- This is the running cost of a beat down. Upper body only.

$225.00- This the cost of a lower body beat down a la Charlie Murphey and Rick James

Just kidding, I’m a nonviolent person. I will however do things that don’t include violence. Blow smoke into a lung cancer patient’s face. Leave a bottle of alcohol at an AA location. Host under ground hobo boxing matches.  Drug Mule, or drug a mule. Make sure no Arabs are allowed on your flight. (Note this only works on TranAir) Put your boss in a compromising position and taking black mail photos. Rig your kids little league game. Call the cops on those noisy black neighbors. Stage a cripple fight in a grocery store parking lot. Be an “eye witness” at your court hearing. Get your girlfriend drunk at an office party and take advantage of her so that you can break up guilt free. Put hairs on your plate at a restaurant so you can eat free. Pee in the soup so you can sue over health code violations. Strong arm your local competition out of business.  Take that pan-handler off of your street corner. Start a riot, or a rumor. Threaten a neighbor or coworker. Bully your kid’s bully. Make sure that priest never touches your kid again. Make sure that kid doesn’t rat out your priest. Anything.

Honestly folks I have no real moral compass to speak of. I can negotiate prices too. Give me a chance to do the things you don’t have the balls to. Hurry before someone calls me about you. * The first fifteen customers get a set of ShamWoe rags. They’re a knock off of those pricey info-mercial kind.**

 

*This is illegal so please don’t actually leave a response or you’ll have to pay me hush money.

**We do not sell ShamWoe products.