Throwing in the Towel

I hate to be the bastard who always shits on the party, but I’m leaving the blog. It’s been a fun, offensive, at times questionable ride. I’ve enjoyed getting out my ideas and unique sense of humor to any helpless person who accidentally stumbled upon my blog. I hope I’ve made some of you choke, or spit out food as you read. I hope I injured some of you mentally or emotionally. If through my bizarre dribblings you found a sense of peace or relief, you should probably seek the attention of a head Dr. as that is proof of a disorder of one kind or another.

I really do appreciate the comments left behind. I also want to thank anyone who took the time to read this stuff. I used this blog as a release through a very tough year. It was the only way to keep myself sane.

I won’t completely abandon the blogging though. I’ll be taking special requests to verbally bash people, places, or things that strike a chord with me or anyone. Just ask via email or comment and I’ll do my utmost to shame anything you ask. I’ll also be starting up a twitter account soon. This will give the mobility I need to poke fun on the run. I won’t take down any older posts, so feel free to reminisce. Also Everyday Dustin will be updated somewhat regularly.

See ya’ll in the funny papers bitches!

Random Stat #186

6% of the population are known to have food allergies, namely shell fish. One in eight men who have this type of allergy find out after having been badly injured while attempting to hump conch shells in the South Pacific. Sadly some have been treated multiple times for the same reaction.

I Really Regret Buying That CD

With the world’s financial future about as certain as an infant that’s been dropped too many times, I found myself wondering if my monies could have been spent in a more frugal manner. Here’s what I came up with. I wish I had never paid for the only studio release from Blind Melon, entitled Blind Melon. As I look back on the purchase it was frivolous spending at it’s worst. I, much like the rest of the nation, was totally floored when I heard the title track ‘No Rain’. Soon after I purchased the album though I immediately regretted it. There was only one good song, ‘No Rain’. None of the other songs even came close to that one hit. It was as if they compiled an entire life’s worth of talent into a single song with a weird video.

 This was by no means the only bad purchase I’ve ever made. Just the one I could never quite accept. I’ve had bad meals and service at restaurants. I’ve paid to see Keanu Reeves films. I paid for Macarena lessons. I’ve squandered money on one of those electronic ab workout machines. I own plenty of Billy Mays products and a chamois. I think about all of the cash spent on booze, women, and parties. I once gave two dollars to a bum. I have given money away. I expensed my collectible toy habit for three years in the early 2000’s. I have also flushed money away on cars that I never got my dime’s worth out of. That damn Blind Melon CD though was by far the worst purchase of my life. If I could re-do anything, it would be that trip to Sam Goody where I paid 14.99 for that piece of shit CD.

Random Stat #41

No big surprise here that 99.7% of gamers are chronic masturbators. Shocking however is that an estimated 7% of gamers are quadriplegics. How did they manage that?

How Cool is Lying?!

I’ve never been one to fabricate stories before. Generally speaking I’ve had some really interesting events transpire in my life, so I’ve never needed to tell bold faced lies before. So last week I decided to tell a lie just to see what it was like…Now I’m totally hooked and I can’t stop. It’s exhilarating. People hang on your every word just waiting for the payoff  at the end of the story. Let me pause for a moment for a disclaimer…

 ~Don’t think I’m as honest as the Catholic Church, I’ve lied in the past mostly to save myself from a beating. The type of lies I’ve discovered are the kind you tell just for the hell of it.~

…As I was saying. Creating a complete and utter lie is a work of art, and story telling as it’s finest. Now before you pass judgement on me let me bring you to my world. What’s the difference between me and Dean Koontz, Earnest Hemingway, or Stan Lee? Or every single musician? They’ve all created stories and you people read them and watched the film adaptations. You’ve paid $13.99 for their musical tales and lies. The only difference I can see is that they’ve whored their lies out to the masses. My lies are pure. I’m not out for material gain. I’ve started telling my lies for the enjoyment of co-workers, complete strangers, and children. People need to escape reality every now and then. I’m just not charging $9.50 for it.

As long as people don’t know their being lied to they love it. They get to go home and tell their families about my crazy ass weekends or wild vacation adventures. All of a sudden they’re cool by association, and I…I have become an immortal in their eyes. I have shown them through my fairy tales what kind of life they should be living. I can’t be blamed for their misconceptions either. If they take what I say out of context or at face value then they are lying to themselves, and that’s the wrong kind of lie you want attached to yourself. Besides I’m just trying to enrich peoples lives with entertainment. What’s so wrong with that?

Random Stat #36

According to my smell receptors, 78% of people that ride public transportation have bad wiping habits after they take a shit. A whopping 54% of those people actually don’t wipe at all. Even more staggering is that 19% habitually shit themselves completely at some point in the day before riding home.

Random Statistics: A new Series

This will become a regular fixture here at The Opinion. These random statistics will be generated by me and whoever else I feel is a valid source of the cold hard facts, numbers. (Note: This will most likely include my brothers and the five friends I still have.)

So here is random stat # 117- 100% of adult content web sites report that one or more of it’s registered users, 87%,  marked CLERGY as their profession. So the next time Father McKenzie puts that communion wafer on your tongue, just imagine where his hands last were. Then imagine what’s going on in his head as he does it.

Since this is the first one I’ll give you a double dose: 12% of this blog’s readers will click on the link to my new blog www.everydaydustin.wordpress.com. This is not what you’re use to from us. This a relatively calm blog. The yin to my yang, the Dr. Jekyll to my Mr. Hyde, and so on, and so on, and so on. In other words it’s just a blog about my gripes and complaints in life. There is very little humor, and you may end up feeling sorry for me.

I Wish I Were a Monkey

 

 If I could be any animal on Earth, I’d be a zoo monkey. Why? Why would I want to be caged? Why would I want people pointing and laughing at me year round? Well upon examining my life I found it to be eerily similar. At work I’m practically caged anyway. People point and laugh at me year round as is. So why not accept the plus side of zoo monkey life. I’d get to hang out, literally. Nudity is an obvious plus. All the chick monkeys are naked too. And you know what that leads to don’t you? Anonymous constant hook-ups. Every day a new monkey chick without even trying. No having to buy her drinks and hoping she doesn’t see the pill at the bottom. Nope. Chick monkeys give it up just because. Then there is the issue of diet. Have you ever seen a monkey hungry on account of being poor? Hells no. At the zoo you get fed by your handlers, and the guests throw treats at you all day. And because you’ve been humping all day you burn off all those calories. You get people clamoring just to see you everyday, suddenly you’re a star just for being a monkey. And when you get tired of the crowds you can just throw feces at them. Not only do they not get mad, they’ll actually applaud your accuracy. Finally there’s the issue of endowment. Monkeys are proportionately one of nature’s most well hung animals. Now all of sudden three inches means I’m the shit. So between being well taken care of, butt ass naked daily, worn out from the sex, being a celebrity, and very well hung; monkey life is looking better and better all the time. 

 

The only thing better I can think of is being Meagan Fox’s loofah. Yep that’s actually a hell of a lot better. I take back all that crap about being a monkey, now I’m down for the loofah life.

And We Wonder Why We’re Screwed Up Now

I was doing my weekly soul searching Monday night. I guess the average person would call it binge drinking, but that’s neither here nor there. During my soul searching I started humming a song. I could not get this song out of my head. I awoke this morning remembering the words to the song I was humming.

I’m Mr Bucket, the balls pop out of my mouth. I’m Mr. Bucket out of my mouth they come out. I’m Mr. Bucket, buckets of fun. I’m Mr. Bucket, BUCKETS OF FUN!

What do you take away from that jingle? In the mind of a six year old it goes like this: “If he puts balls in his mouth and everyone loves him then it should work for me too.” Which is why kids are always putting foreign objects in their mouths. 72% of kids who owned this toy during the developmental years, grew up to put balls in their mouth. This brings me to the focal point of my soul searching- Are we all screwed up that bad? Think back to the toys we grew up with, and what signal those toys sent out. The Cabbage Patch dolls made little girls think they wanted babies of their own. That along with Barbie’s slutty demeanor caused the perfect storm of teenage whores getting knocked up. (See Bristol Palin)

The Raggedy Anne and Andy dolls made redheads think it’s OK to be redheaded… It’s not.

G.I. Joe can be called the root of the violent behavior we see now-a-days. Think back, all we ever did was play cowboys and Indians, war games, and try to imitate Arnold, Stallone, Norris, and Lee. There’s nothing wrong with having idols as  a child, but every fight you got into you thought for sure you were gonna kick some kid through a rice paper wall didn’t you? Did you even see a rice paper wall growing up? How did you think that was going to come about? And it never worked out that way, as most fights ended up with the two of you crying and breathing too hard. Ahh but you got that rush from fighting. So you went home and played Street Fighter II or Contra. No matter how many time you got shot and died playing Contra you knew the code to bring the Blue guy back to life.

Fast forward to today. We play Grand Theft Auto with the same message being sent. Death isn’t real, it just means Niko starts at the hospital missing $300.00 and some weapons. So when we finally press pause and watch the news report and see that 13 soldiers died in combat. We may say “Man that sucks, I feel sorry for their families.” Do you really mean it though? Up, down, up, down, left, right, A, B, B, A doesn’t work here.

Playing Super Mario Bros made us think Italians could throw fire and punch dinosaurs in the back of the head to make him eat apples. That game however was filled with communist propaganda and lies. (Mario looks just like Joseph Stalin, and raises a Red Star flag after taking down a Peace flag) The Smurfs were some kind of weird cult. (Dig it, only one chick-Smurfette) The seven dwarfs preached labor and internment camps. (It’s off to work I go) Flintstones taught us all about spousal abuse, and neglecting animals. Popeye was a ploy by the FDA and Association of US Farmers to eat that vile crop they couldn’t sell to the hungry Russians. Let’s not forget Richie Rich and his philosophy of ‘Money can do anything for you’. She-Ra tried to convince women that they were equal. Ha! And that’s just the cartoons.

The Blue Lagoon left young men across America thinking, “It’s ok if you get a boner from looking at your sister.” Mr. Belvedere and Charles in Charge let kids think it’ cool to have a closet molestor and live-in felon hanging around. I can’t be the only one who thought that My Two Dads was a forerunner for gay marriage. Then there’s Dear John, the moral- No matter what happens…it will get worse. Ah, Night Court, forty dollar fine and a night served no matter what your criminal offense. I wish that were true. 

So the next time you feel all screwed up, tainted if you will, just remember it’s probably because of the crap we were influenced by when we were young. Blame your parents, and they can blame their parents. Each generation raises the bar of damage done to future generations. Wonder what our kids will be like?

McConsequences

I don’t want to tell people how to run their multi-billion dollar industry, but can’t you at least tell us the truth? I see that now-a-days you guys put “nutrition facts” on your food labels and that’s commendable. Can’t you however; give us the negative results of eating your food? I’ll start you off with what I like to call the McConsequences…

McHeart disease, McStroke, McNausia, 48 inch McWaistline, McHigh cholesterol, McFatkid will be a fat adult, McMorbid obesety, McLethargia, and McDiabetes are the more harmful long term effects of some of your products. The short term effects are McStomache ache, McShortness of breath, McTake an instant nap, McAss explotion, McGas, McHeartburn, McGeez I feel like shit, McTake a shit, McOh god I’ll never eat there again, McMy stomach is on fire, and McCrap that grease stain is not going to come out.

I only think it’s fair that your customers are fully aware of the McConsequences that I’ve listed above. I’m not coming down on your company, as I am finishing a McDouble right now, or as I like to call it a McGonna be on the toilet in twenty minutes. I just think that if something is so very harmful people should know the McDangers. That’s not even mentioning that child molesting clown you parade around as a spokesman. I call him McStay the hell away from my nephews.