Thanks a lot Mike (That’s meant to be sarcastic)

Unless you’ve been in a cave for the last week you’ve undoubtedly noticed Michael Phelps’ uncanny performance in the Beijing Olympics. And if you’re anything like me  you were excited to see him make history. You probably also woke up in the middle of the night pissed off that one more thing was pushed out of your reach. True most of us are nowhere near as talented or dedicated to a task as Phelps is. By his winning 8 gold medals however, he made the rest of us seem even more pitifully minuet. It’s bad enough that we get reminded every day of how beautiful Angelina and Brad are. Or how supremely talented Kobe and the Manning brothers are. It’s bad enough knowing that we most likely won’t end up in front of a TV camera unless it’s an episode of Cops, or To Catch a Predator. But now by Michael Phelps amazing display of athleticism we are all painfully conscious of the fact that we will never be as good as him at swimming. I don’t even like swimming, but I did like the hope that maybe just maybe I could break some kind of swimming record.  I don’t even have the luxury of saying that drug use flushed all my potential down the drain. Phelps did. Just like Lance Armstrong and his freakishly enlarged heart enabled him to win 7 Tour de France races. I hate riding my bike now. Every time some one sets an impossible record or achieves an unthinkable feat, my self esteem and outlook on life fades a bit. Everyday that the media shows us what we thought could never happen actually occurs with ease for some one else, I die a little on the inside.

So congradulations Michael. You won 8 gold medals and set 7 new world records. You were also able to simultaneously kill the dreams of a young American generation, without even coming up for air. Kudos. I hope the next time you take a swim you get stuck under one of those giant floaties. I hope you freak out and realise what you’ve done to deserve that. Then when you’re finally able to surface, and head over to where you left your stuff by the pool, you find that someone stole your iPod. Then TMZ breaks a story about the contents of your iPod, and you end up in front of a Grand Jury on suspicions of Child Abuse. Then you’ll be locked with killers who took someones’s life and stole their dreams. Yes, then you’ll be home you stupid freakishly athletic hero.

You Can Find it at Wal-Mart

I was in Wal-Mart the other day shopping and generally browsing around. I found everything I was looking for, and a whole bunch of stuff I didn’t know was even available outside of a black market. For example, if ever you wondered what that horrible smell in the hallway of your apartment building was, check isle 7. That stench exists in isle 7. Are you in the market for a nice midget repellent? Head over to the pharmacy. They have three different types. There’s even one that has an alert that sounds whenever a midget is near. It’s an amazing piece of technology. Have you ever wondered, ‘What happens to the After Birth, after birth?’ Well check isle 238. Apparently it’s bottled relabeled and sold as an aphrodisiac.

There are even special sections for “special” people. There’s a clothing section on the other side of the lawn and garden section that specializes in clothing for the developmentally challenged. It’s full of brightly colored shirts, Velcro strap shoes, and size 42-27 jeans. It’s even got an entire rack of fanny packs.

Lonely? Go pasts the infants section through the double doors. You will find dozens of unwed teenage mothers looking for a daddy. Can you believe it? Some other idiot put in all that work for a family and just lets you take over. They come in all shapes and races too. A few years ago it was just black girls and the occasional Puerto Rican. Now though you can find a Russian, Mexican, Guatemalan, Brazilian, Korean, Aboriginal Australian, one legged Swedish, and a trailer park 16 year old with triplets. WOW!! Just imagine, you went in for milk and came home with an entire family. In order to show you their charitable side Wal-Mart will offer a 17% discount on diapers and similac formula. God bless ‘em.

Has the dope man in your neighborhood been locked up on charges? Head to the back door of the pharmacy. They will throw random pills out side at you. You never know what kind of high you’ll get. Maybe Oxycontin, maybe hormone steroids. All for an everyday low price of $2.50. Tyrone can’t beat that price, besides his ass is locked up for at least three years.

Need a baby sitter? Just pull up to the front of the store open the door and tell the kids to get a cart. They’ll go in the store, see the variety of things to play with, and will be entertained for hours. Go and get your nails done then have lunch with an old acquaintance. When you get back to the store just go over to lost and found at the customer service desk. Kids get separated from their parents so often in these stores, that the manager won’t even question where you have been for the last 6 hours. He’ll assume you’ve been enjoying low low prices and high savings.

Have you been unsuccessful in finding a nuclear weapon? Go over to sporting goods and press the call button for employee assistance. Then walk over to the baseball equipment and look for the man with the mustache. He’ll take you out back to an unmarked white van. You can then start your shopping. Hell, I’m pretty sure that if the government wanted to find suspected terrorist hiding in the U.S. they would just check the local Wal-Mart stores. Why would terrorists be in plain sight to the public? Because everyone needs something from a Wal-Mart. Whether it’s the basic necessities or enriched Uranium, it’s there.

Are you looking for one of those things on the side of McCain’s face? Go over to cosmetics. You can find them in any color and various sizes. Now you can look like a Presidential nominee. If that certain lady in your life is looking for a Hilary Clinton style hair-do, Wal-Mart carries gels, mouses, weaves, permanents, and wigs in every celebrity form.

Late for a Klan meeting? Wal-Mart brags three different hood/robe combos. You’ll be the envy of all of your hate filled brothers. You can even find a giant cross, gas can, and kerosene. They may even help you light it on fire if you ask.

What else could you want? A baby, an ape, an STD it’s all there. You could even get an STD from a baby ape if you wanted. Got a big girl fetish, a skinny girl fetish, an acne thing, a donkey lust? Find it at Wal-Mart. Need fresh breast milk for you PB and J? How about stem cells for that back pain? Want a porn stars clean up rag? You can find it at Wal-Mart.

The Truth About Fairy Tales: Hansel & Gretel

Unfortunately this one reflects what happens all too often in our pitiful society. The result however not as pleasant as the old fairy tale would have us believe. Here’s the run down. A brother and sister set off for an exploration of their neighborhood. They are then enticed into a bad situaton by a seemingly nice old lady. Lured into a stranger’s house by the promise of a sweet treat. In the story however, Hansel & Gretel are able to escape their abductor. They are then cognisent enough to leave a trail of bread crums to lead authorities to the old lady’s sugar shack.

Sadly in real life this would be an unlikely scenario. The kids would probably end up victims of a horrible crime. If they were able to make it out alive, they would carry the emotional scars of this traumatic event. Until they sought help from a shrink.

The more horrific truth is what would become of them in twenty years or so. Hansel would either become a basement dwelling forty year old addicted to internet porn. Or he would change his name to Hannah, take a trip to Trinidad Colorado and have a sex change opperation. Gretel would become a huff whore. This is some one that does unspeakable acts for a chance to huff paint fumes from a brown paper bag.

This teaches us two valuable lessons. First, the effects of a traumatic childhood event will eventually manifest themselves later in life if unchecked or ignored. Second, old ladies seem to be the cause of a lot of damage in the fairy tales. This leads us to believe that old ladies, are in fact horrible individuals. They will stop at nothing to damage a child’s future.

Series: The Truth About Nursery Rhymes-Cinderella

This is a classic story of triumph and perseverance. So too bad it’s not real. here’s the break down. Pretty girl ends up in foster care with extended family members. These “step sisters” hate the fact that Cinderella is prettier cause jealousy and tension amongst the newly formed family arrangement. As a result they are determined to keep Cinderella from a debutant style ball. This kind of sounds like a Hollywood tabloid story, but so far this is believable… so far. Here comes the impossible plot twists.

In an effort to thwart her wicked sisters Cinderella receives help from a fairy god-mother. Or in other words she practices the voodoo. She also enlists the help of mice, singing mice to be exact. This translates into drug use. In my opinion it was probably opium, or a mushroom cocktail. So now this voodoo practicing druggie orphan somehow makes it to the Ball and wins the attention of a certain “prince”. Did I mention she got there riding a pumpkin??? She has to leave the Ball, most likely to avoid being beaten by the foster care agents, and she leaves behind a high heel. This must have been a hell of a party for her to forget a Jimmy Choo heel like that.

So now this “prince” is love stoned as T-Lake would say, and he wants his voodoo lady back. The only problem is that all he has is a high heel, a crystal clear high heel. We ALL know what type of ladies wear clear heels don’t we? That’s right strippers and whores. In order to find this girl “Prince Charming” starts frequenting the booty clubs and dark alley ways. Needless to say he’s probably out of one dollar bills by now.

In a last ditch effort to find her, he hosts the equivalent of a block party. Inviting all the ladies that own a pair of crystal clear heels to attend. In Atlanta they call this A Players Ball. Cinderella hears about it and decides to go. He finds her amid the party goers. She vaguely remembers him. Her memory is still a bit foggy from her last K-Hole experience. The heel fits. They fall in love. And the druggie voodoo queen and the strip club stalking prince live disfunctionally ever after.

She never gets into a rehab clinic. He never recovers from his frequent nights of searching for Cinderella in brothels, and dies of an STD. There is never a happy ending.

Denver is Gearing Up for a Riot

Living in the Mile High City you get accustomed to certain things. Like the constant changes in the weather, one heart breaking sports loss after another, and riots whenever something big happens. In Denver not too many big things happen that often. I’m not calling the city uneventful by any means. There is always something going on. It’s just when something out of the ordinary or extraordinary happens, we get so excited we riot a bit. Here’s a list of the LoDo riots I’ve seen and been in.

1996- Colorado Avalanche win the Stanley Cup. This being Denver’s 1st actual world title in any sport and we went kind of nuts and burnt things up, flipped cars over and looted local shops.

97/98- Denver Broncos win Super Bowl 32 victory over the heavily favored Green Bay Packers. This was our chance to show the sports world we could win and not act like we are cousins of New Jersey. We F’d up. This riot was a bit bigger and a lot more people got hurt. A friend of mine actually had to work that night, and when he got off of the bus in the Capital Hill area he was beaten up pretty good for wearing a Packers jacket.

98/99- Super Bowl 33. This one we handled with grace. Just a lot of drunken brawls in the streets of Downtown Denver.

99/00- Millennium baby. We celebrated like it was 2999. That’s probably why Denver’s finest dosed us all in tear gas and began detaining individuals at random, for doing things that the city expected us to do. As always fights between cops and civilians broke out, and shops got broken into.

It has been relatively quiet for about eight years. Just minor upheavals here and there. But everyone knows that we are due for a big one. I’m guessing that between August 22 and 25 we will start some shit again. That is the weekend of the Democratic National Convention, or as I like to call it Barak-a-palooza. There are already talks and plans for protests involving choice words for govt. officials and dirty bombs. These dirty bombs are said to be urine and feces filled projectiles. (How you get shit into a balloon I don’t know.) It all proves to be very interesting as it follows directly on the heals of the Olympic Games in China. National pride will be brimming along with raging tempers between donkeys and elephants. All this along with the crazy ass residents of Denver, I can’t wait. I’m not involved in politics what-so-ever, but the chance to see some one anyone for that matter hit in the face with a balloon full of shit is one I can’t pass up. I’ll be ready this time. Expect to see me in the background cracking up when an MSNBC reporter catches a piss bag in the face. Ahhh Denver, ain’t it grand?

Polygamy Isn’t All Bad

Polygamy gets a bum wrap in this day and age, but let’s focus on the positive aspects of this alternative lifestyle. By having more than one wife it’s not ‘cheating’, which is a term that swirls with negativity. It’s a challenge. Anyone in a relationship knows just how much work it is to keep a partner content and happy. Now imagine the amount of love one needs to keep four, five, or nine women happy. It also inspires a healthy form of competition among the harem. They will feel impelled to improve their looks, cooking ability, and child rearing skills. Which ultimately makes them more desirable to the man. That in turns gives the man more incentive to “show” more love.

Just think of all the support you’d receive in a community full of family members. Everyone knows each other, and the kids will grow up as best friends/siblings/cousins. A close knit family with no secrets. Perhaps the best part (at least from my POV) is that the 4-7 days a month in a conventional family when the romance is inhibited will be done away with. A constant cycle of love. You’d always have somebody to turn to, and a place to rest your head.

I can’t tell you how many women tell me that there are no good guys out there. It may be true. So why not share the good ones? Some women never want children, others give in to the biological clock and only want a child with no man in the picture. Polygamy solves both problems. If you don’t want the hassle of a relationship, then just show up when you want another bun in the oven. It’s like a friendly no appointment necessary sperm bank.

I just might do some research and revisit this topic later. Just not in the odd-ball Mormon way.

New Blog

So this guy Sal, he reads our blog one day and says he likes it. He says he wants us to do one for him. He says if we don’t that “things could get real messy like.” So in the interest of self preservation the moderators of Joel’s Opinion and A Little Silver Lining present to you: Jersey City Sal Says.

http://salsays.wordpress.com

All stories are NOT based on Sal’s real life events, so don’t go saying that he was there or anything. We’ve had to change some names and clean up the language a bit, to make it more on-line appropriate.

-Enjoy

Series: The Truth About Nursery Rhymes-Snow White

Where to start, where to start? This an implausible scenario, possible but unlikely. A normal sized, and by all accounts, hot chick is taken in by seven midgets. This could happen, but only in some freaky fetish style universe, or maybe a really gross web site. Along the way she is for some reason targeted by an old hag with a knack for slipping date rape drugs in drinks. The old hag slips her a Mickey, and then kidnaps her. The midgets are all pissed off that some one made off with the “lady” of the house. Then some random dude has the cure all for the date rape drug given to Snow.

OK, let me put you on the game.

1) The seven midgets is possible, although disgusting.

2) Since Snow is banging seven midgets an old lady wouldn’t be too far of stretch. Really the only thing less classy than seven midgets and an old lady is the ‘donkey show’.

3) The Prince Charming character is obviously in cahoots with the old hag. Why else would he have the stuff to reverse the effects of the drugs? It’s a tactic that’s been used for years. Find out what tickles their fancy, lure them in…And bam! Do what you will to them.

The story would have been more believable if Snow White were royalty or something. At least then a ransom could have been made. That’s much more likely than a vanity issue that has gone too far.

The Ultimate WMD

Youa wanna end this war people? I mean do you REALLY REALLY want it? Then let’s stop screwing around and send in Chris Angel, the Mind Freak himself. It’s obvious that our bullets and bombs and intell have made little head way in Iraq.  So we need to bump it up a notch. Get all mind freak on ‘em. Just imagine your an insurgeant taking cover from US and allied gun fire, just then you see something. You clean then dust and blood off of your glasses and see Chris Angel levitating. He’s just floating, no weapons, no armor. You’d throw your guns down and reach for a white flag, but before you can get the thing strung up POW. Fuckin’ Walker Texas Ranger kicks the shit out of you. You’re airborn. Chris Angel grabs you, and you plead “Don’t let Chuck get me, PLEASE.” Now repeat this step a few thousand times until all the extremist get it. After a while they will all know that the US is harboring two weapons of mass destruction that don’t have an ’off’ switch.

This will work out for Naval forces also. How? Chris Angel claims to walk on water and Chuck Norris is still Chuck Norris. He can strike anyone anywhere. No sniper in the world could pick Chris Angel off with a shot. He freaks out the mind people. That means he’s damn near untouchable. The only person that would not get distracted is Chuck Norris, and they’ve teamed up for this.

To solidify a victory just have Mr. T standing around in the midst of all of the Norris/Angel chaos, snatching up anyone that might try and run away for reinforcements. But who would command such a bad-ass platoon of bad asses? Non other than Bruce Willis. Under his vigil watch the war on terror would end in about thirteen hours. If you don’t believe me you’re an idiot, and you can expect a visit from one of these elite terror experts.

Series: The Truth About Nursery Rhymes- Goldy Locks

This is a new series about the lies we were told while our mothers laid us down to rest. This week is Goldy Locks and the Three Bears.

This is an impossible scenario for many reasons.

1) Bears don’t actually dwell in homes with beds and chairs.

2) Bears don’t cook porridge. And they probably wouldn’t eat it either.

3) Little white girls typically don’t wander off into bear riddled forest groves unaccompanied. I also highly doubt the part about eating from three different bowls, and trying to sleep in three different beds, as this seems out of character for an average child. 

4) It is highly unlikely that if a bear caught you in his cave you would live to tell about it, let alone the chance of you even coming in contact with a group of three bears because they are not known to be social animals.

The horrible truth of the matter is that if this tale has any truth to it, it has been awfully distorted. Goldy Locks was most likely mentally challenged or suffered from amnesia or Alzheimer’s.  That is the only way to explain her wandering into the woods and stumbling upon a habitat containing edible food stuffs. The more likely side of this story is that Goldy Locks was ripped limb from limb by a bear or two, and finished off by vultures or another natural scavenger. Her neighbor’s probably made up the story to keep the kids out if the forest, and at the same time do so without making them paranoid about wild life.